My Mom has an innate ability to turn everything you say/do/don’t do into a heaping load of guilt or makes you feel like a total fuck-up. Don’t get me wrong I love her, she’s my Mom, but there are times when I just have to take a deep breath and tune her out or I will scream. I’m not sure if it’s a skill she was born with, but she’s sure honed it over the years.
Even if I say so myself I’ve been the good daughter, the one who is always ‘there’, the one everyone depends on to be level headed and responsible. It’s a burden sometimes. Sometimes it’s hard to bite my cheek and not say what I feel. Sometimes I fail and that ends up making me feel even more guilty. It’s a vicious circle.
I took her out for lunch today, a belated Mother’s Day lunch. This was so the Boys would be able to go with me as they like going out to eat. I have to admit they were also a wee bit of a buffer for me. The critique is spread around a bit more. When she would get started on one of them, they would look at me silently during one of these dialogues and I mouthed, “I’m sorry”. They shake them off easier than I do, they’ve heard my stories. Like Tom said, I’ve had years of it, everyone else can deflect it from time to time.
It’s confusing sometimes because she will tell me how she tells everyone what a wonderful daughter I am and then proceeds to pick me apart a few minutes later.
My Mom used to constantly tell me when I was a little girl she wished she could divorce my Dad, that she was miserably unhappy. She then told me that she stayed because of me. Yeah, guilt came early.
When I was younger, I used to think the arguments my parents constantly had were entirely my Dad’s fault being a cool and distant man. When I grew up I learned that they were both guilty, and truly at times I can sympathize with my Dad. He spent a lot of time in our bathroom reading. I truly think it was his oasis of peace.