90lb Suburban Housewife driving her SUV

It has always amazed me how many people drive really large vehicles who simply cannot handle them. I mean me? I know my limitations, Tom’s Chrysler 300 feels like a bus to me. I mean come on I used to drive an ’83 Honda Civic Hatchback followed by I swear an even smaller ’92 Geo Metro, the SEDAN thank you very much, at least so not quite as much of a pimple as the hatchback. Now I’m in a Mazda 3. Sadly it took me a while to get used to the sheer size of it so that should say something about my awesome skillz. However as I say I know my limitations.

Many times I’ve watched with amusement when Soccer Moms with a bazillion kids in tow attempt to back out from their parking spaces. This is usually only funny though when I’m not the poor sucker waiting behind them.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not being sexist against my own gender entirely. I’ve seen some pretty shitty SUV drivers of the male persuasion as well, but the majority of the drivers of these massive creatures in the Malls and Grocery store parking lots seem to be of the X chromosome variety and the bad far outweigh the good in my experience. Yes there are good ones too, I even have friends who drive Minivans/SUVs like pros.

These bad SUV driving women usually seem ok once they are actually pointed in the right direction and driving unless junior back there or something else distracts her. And the bad driving Men, well they usually seem to think that because they are in a bigger vehicle they can either try to intimidate you by tailgating or are somehow godlike in their ability to drive in inclement weather and goddamit people better just get the hell outta their way. Especially YOU there in that Mazda 3!

Anyway, back to the backing up thing. Usually it just requires a couple of tentative back and forths and they manage to extricate the vehicle from their spot but tonight, oh tonight was another story. It was dark and kind of “misty” raining. The kind that you really can’t run your wipers full stop or that make that hideous screeking sound and won’t activate your rain sensing wipers either until there is enough critical mass on your windshield to render you completely sightless. Ok so it was a little hard to see, but not impossible. So I back out of my spot at the mall and as I’m heading down the lane I see this Buick fricking monster Enclave with it’s back up lights on.


Instead of waiting until I pass the person starts to back up and I have to stop rather abruptly. I checked behind me and backed up to give them room. I mean this person was NOT gonna stop and I didn’t want Titanic there to hit my little Freddy.

I’m already impatient because of this steamroller deal but I chill waiting for the person to do their inevitable back up dance (go back cha-cha-cha, go forward cha-cha-cha) but this one, oh this one was PAINFUL. It took that woman no word of a lie TEN TIMES get that freaking thing free. Yes I counted. They weren’t fast times either these were slooooowwww times. I was starting to wish I had those light up sticks the ground crew use to help a plane back out.

Then I realize that not ONLY was this person not capable of maneuvering that very large vehicle which became obvious when I saw how well they went forward once they were pointed in the right direction, but that she was on the bloody PHONE the whole time.

Joy of joys I got to follow her most of the entire way of the thankfully short drive home. The little tykes in the car were blissfully watching a movie on the flat panel screens in the back not realizing how much freaking danger they are in on a day to day basis. Hopefully this woman will never teach her kids how to drive or if she does it is in a clown car (like my old Geo).

So ok, if you have a large family and need to truck them around in one of these large monstrosities please for the love of GOD take lessons! PRACTICE. Whatever. Don’t make the world suffer. I made sure my uterus closed up shop in time to ensure that I will never need anything larger than a sedan and if I have my way as soon as our last little birdie leaves the nest (or gets his own car whichever comes first) I’m getting me a freaking two seater sports car. Convertible of course.

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3 Responses to 90lb Suburban Housewife driving her SUV

  1. Tom says:

    Sooo….you’re saying you won’t drive the 45 foot motor home I want to some day get??

  2. americanuck says:


  3. jimmy says:

    You are an idiot, I drive a chevy 3500 flat bed every day thats 8ft plus wide and you cant drive a god damn Chrysler?!? I recognize that my 3500 is easy to drive compared to a 80k lbs tractor trailer. Learn how to drive.

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