Hole Hearted

I recently started a new job at a place and I’m lovin’ it. Now I have a policy about not writing about work, which I will continue to live by, but this particular thing that happened to me while at work is another story.

I have a lot of older clothes. I’m half Scottish, if it ain’t broke don’t fix it (or buy a new it.) I will wear something until it is crying for mercy, which leads me into my story.

It was a hot July this year. In fact we broke records here in Vancouver for the driest July and for the most part had sunshine every day. This meant dressing for the weather as much as possible and with a business casual environment, capri pants, especially tailored ones are just fine. I had this favourite pair of grey ones which admittedly had seen a lot of action the last couple of summers.  August 1st however could have gone either way weather-wise. It was still warm, so I decided to put on my favourite pair of capris and take a light rain jacket, just in case.

On my first coffee break of the day I wandered outside jacket free as it wasn’t raining and quite warm, walked across to this little park area nearby and sat down on a low garden wall. That is when I heard a noise. It was a rending noise and at first I wasn’t sure if it came from me.

I carefully felt the back of my pants and didn’t feel anything, momentarily relieved I thought it was a good idea to check the rest of my pants for a tear and to my horror I saw that the material, not the seam mind you, the material, worn thin by several summers of wear had poof, given way. The hole was about the size of a silver dollar though not perfectly round.

I now frantically felt around (how it must have looked to someone wandering by I have no idea) and confirmed that was as far as the hole went, tidily tucked away between my thighs. My mind flew, trying to figure out what the heck I was going to do. I remembered that I had brought my rain jacket, but realized it wasn’t long enough to hide anything unless I wore it around my waist.  “Good plan!” I thought to myself, but I still had to get back inside, up the elevator and walk to my cubicle, all the while passing a whole bunch of people.

But before that I had to tweet about it

I contrived a kind of shuffle-walk which kept my upper thighs somewhat together, so not to reveal a glimpse of unfettered thigh. I then walked into the lobby, trying to look casual walking in this strange fashion with, I’m sure, a look of desperate determination in my eyes. Thankfully not many people were around and those who were paid little attention to me. I shuffle walked to the elevator and when it reached my floor I quickly peered out, quickly shuffle walked past the mostly male folks around my cube and made it to the safety of my jacket.  I then promptly outed my circumstance to one of my immediate co-workers who laughed. I mean, hell, you have to laugh about it right?

For a brief moment I considered going home and remoting in for the rest of the day, I mean most of the day was still ahead of me…but I decided to stick it out as long as I could.

Lunch time rolled around and I took me and what I had christened my “waist cape” outside and away to the relative privacy of the garden across the street where I sat by the fountain, cape wrapped carefully around my hips and purse strategically placed on my lap where I stream of conscious tweeted a bit more.

Then I read for a while.

At this point in the day I only had a few more hours to contend with, but the hole once the size of a silver dollar was slowly a silver-dollar pancake, then a coaster, then something more along the lines of a desert plate. My coat, bless it, continued to provide protection while I strutted around wearing my waist-cape taking special pains to hold it close when I passed by someone walking quickly, lest the disturbance in air cause cape flareage.

Waist-cape in actioncape

The day’s end THANKFULLY rolled around and I took my nearly exposed hind-parts as quickly as possible to the privacy of my car. Sinking with relief into the drivers-seat I promptly bowed upwards when the exposed skin touched hot black leather. Ouch! I prayed that I wouldn’t a.) get into an accident or b.) get pulled over and asked to step out of the vehicle (not that I want either of those to happen any day, but especially not THAT day.) I drove home without incident but sticking uncomfortably to the leather.

Then I went to the store. What? Am I crazy? Well I figured I was out already and if I went home I wouldn’t feel like going out again. I know my lazy butt.

When I got home I saw Tom sitting on the couch with his laptop open. I asked him if he’d read about my day, but he hadn’t as yet as he wasn’t long home himself. I briefly told him what had occurred, untied my waist-cape then turned around to flash him my behind. He laughed, I laughed, I mean, you have to laugh cos by this point a human head could fit through the hole.

Sooooooo, my favourite capris are now lining a dustbin, I now have a pair of back-up pants at work (fool me once…) and, you know, I now have this blog post.

This entry was posted in Humour, Me Moi Mich and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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